Realizations

Yesterday was possibly one of the messiest days of my existence.

I am not an emotional person. I feel things very vividly and deeply, however I do not communicate them outwardly. It's just the way I am. I do not like drawing attention to my feelings.

Yesterday was the first day in several years when I could honestly refer to myself as an emotional wreck. I woke up feeling the effects of every drama at home and with Best Friend, knowing that I needed to confront Unconventional about where we stand in our relationship, and having not slept at all. The first order of business was a series of phone calls and text messages with unconventional totalling about three hours of conversation wherein we sorted out everything in our friendship and decided to take a step backwards because we became too close of friends too fast and it needed some action before our friendship got messed up.

Then...I started thinking about my future.

I have wanted to be a chef for years. And for years I have felt that God wanted me to be a chef too. I was cool to watch him work things out to put me into a great culinary school...until I started this year at Bible College. All year I have been waiting in great anticipation to be finished here and moving on to what I really want to do. Then I went home over break.

My dad told me over Christmas that he thought he could get me a summer internship with a chef whom I greatly admire. Usually, I spend my summers working at a Christian girls camp in the mountains where I just get to pour myself out into middle schoolers for seven weeks. I thought about it for a few weeks. The cooking experience would be good for me, but I loved what I did at camp. After much thought and prayer, I chose to work at camp because I love my girls more than I love cooking.

Unconventional and I have debated several times as to why I want to be a chef. I always had answers and they were never good enough. Then yesterday he said, "Kite, what is your passion?"
"My passion is Christ." I told him.
"Kite," he said to me, "What could you not live without? What would you die for?"
That was when I realized--I could live without cooking. It would take most of the fun and creativity out of my life, but I could, in the very essence of fact, survive and live a mildly happy life without ever handling a stove or a pot. However, my life without my middle school girls who I can listen to and mentor--it's nothing. It's empty.

I can't believe I am saying this but I am thinking about changing my major.

Life is defined by realizations.