Why is it, that when you think you simply cannot handle one more thing in life--you get that one more thing.
That seems to happen to me quite a bit.
Since my mum's death and my return to school I've taken comfort in being constantly wrapped in the arms of friends. It really has been so wonderful to see how God has provided for me. One friend in particular I was very close with. We made a habit of talking whenever we had the chance and being very open with each other.
Two days ago, this friend told me that they did not want this pressure of being my emotional stronghold and that we should not talk anymore.
Surprisingly, this has not crushed my spirit. This friend meant the world to me but I do not need them to live and be happy.
I recieved a package yesterday from my friend Sula. Inside was a pair of brightly colored socks, watercolor pencils, paints, paper, new brushes, and a package of skittles. For the first time in two perhaps almost three years, I painted.
One of the things which I loved most about my mum was that she would always read to me as a child. We would spend hours together with her making stories come to life. Of course, after I learned to read well enough she did not do this for me anymore, but I never lost my love of being read to and I believe that these memories instilled a love of reading out loud inside of me. I read The Little Prince and Peter Pan and sometimes my textbooks out loud to myself constantly now. One day my dear friend and I went to the book store and I read to him until he fell asleep on my shoulder.
Last night my Beautiful Friend came into my room. "Kite," she said, "Can I read you The Ugly Duckling?"
Life is defined by being provided for in the smallest ways at the hardest times.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Moving on
I am back at school after a week and a half of chaos.
My mother passed away last sunday after five years of fighting disease, infection, and medications. Her actual cause of death was internal bleeding and kidney failure caused by the hundreds of medications she has been on over the last years (yeah--I don't even take tylenol anymore) but someting else would have killed her sooner or later. It's true. I am not an emotional person but I did cry. I cried several times over the last week. I think it has been good for me. I miss my mum. She was a Pittsburgh Steelers football fan and it makes me sad that she had to go only a week before they got to play in the superbowl. At the funeral I met her Ex-Boyfriend. She stole his monopoly board in highschool and we still have it. That monopoly board is so old and beat up and she always tells us about how she stole it from Ex-Boyfriend. When I finally got to meet him, all I wanted to do was tell her that I saw him and that he had a beard that covered more than half of his face and I thought about offering him his monopoly board back. It depressed me slightly. Because I couldn't tell her all of that. I couldn't tell her anything.
I was never super close with my mum but I did love her. I would save little things to tell her that I knew would make her laugh. She suffered a lot the last five years and I know that now she is with God and she is loving it. She's not suffering anymore. She's not struggling anymore. She is so much better off and completely renewed and basking in the glory of Christ.
But I still miss her.
It is still hard to think that she is not here.
I still want to tell her about the monopoly board.
I still want her to be able to see me get married and talk to me about important things.
I still wish that I had gotten the chance to not just be her daughter, but to be her friend as well.
I wish that she had gotten the chance to watch the Pittsburgh Steelers win the superbowl.
Life is defined by moving on.
My mother passed away last sunday after five years of fighting disease, infection, and medications. Her actual cause of death was internal bleeding and kidney failure caused by the hundreds of medications she has been on over the last years (yeah--I don't even take tylenol anymore) but someting else would have killed her sooner or later. It's true. I am not an emotional person but I did cry. I cried several times over the last week. I think it has been good for me. I miss my mum. She was a Pittsburgh Steelers football fan and it makes me sad that she had to go only a week before they got to play in the superbowl. At the funeral I met her Ex-Boyfriend. She stole his monopoly board in highschool and we still have it. That monopoly board is so old and beat up and she always tells us about how she stole it from Ex-Boyfriend. When I finally got to meet him, all I wanted to do was tell her that I saw him and that he had a beard that covered more than half of his face and I thought about offering him his monopoly board back. It depressed me slightly. Because I couldn't tell her all of that. I couldn't tell her anything.
I was never super close with my mum but I did love her. I would save little things to tell her that I knew would make her laugh. She suffered a lot the last five years and I know that now she is with God and she is loving it. She's not suffering anymore. She's not struggling anymore. She is so much better off and completely renewed and basking in the glory of Christ.
But I still miss her.
It is still hard to think that she is not here.
I still want to tell her about the monopoly board.
I still want her to be able to see me get married and talk to me about important things.
I still wish that I had gotten the chance to not just be her daughter, but to be her friend as well.
I wish that she had gotten the chance to watch the Pittsburgh Steelers win the superbowl.
Life is defined by moving on.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Taking leave
Right now I am at the hospital waiting for my mum to die. Her kidneys are failing and she might have a week or so to live. I do not know when I will post again, but I promise I will be back. God is in control. He knows what he's doing with my life and with my mum. Thank you all for reading.
-Kite
-Kite
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
24 hours
Sometimes things just fall into place after a good night's sleep. Sometimes, you realize things that were right in front of your face. Sometimes you forget things you even have drawn on your skin. Sometimes you could swear that you couldn't handle one more freakin thing and then you get one more and you find that you actually can handle it.
Life is defined by lessons you learn and by God's amazing grace.
Life is defined by lessons you learn and by God's amazing grace.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Water Problems
The water at school makes my skin painfully dry. Not matter how much sticky, unscented lotion I slather all over my body, my skin still continues to crack. No matter how much chapstick I smear on my lips, they are still freakin bleeding again! I don't know about anyone else, but I'm finding this highly unattractive, not that I am trying to attract anyone because, frankly, I am not. I don't even wear make-up anymore. If I really wanted to attract someone, I don't doubt that I could--but I don't--so in the end--my skin is still dry, my face is flaking of in pieces, and my lips are bleeding and I find it disgusting.
Life is definately being defined here, although I'm really not sure how.
Life is definately being defined here, although I'm really not sure how.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Renewed.
Ten Marvelous Things Over My Not So Marvelous Holiday Break
1. My aunt gave me a package of tiny post-it notes. They now paper my wall with names of girls I need to e-mail, my online class passwords and codes, the phone number of my favorite tattoo and piercing studio, and happy smiles from Roommate.
2. My dad gave me the best Christmas gift ever in a pair of new, very nice, baby blue headphones. Roommate will never have to complain about hearing a Gwen Stefani song ever again.
3. I am more motivated to work hard in all of my classes. I've learned to value them more.
4. I truly miss my sisters and want to be with them again as soon as possible.
5. I have found a renewed appreciation for my friends who have become my family on campus. I have also found the value of older women who care about me. It is so beautiful to me that I can go to one of the women on campus and ask her for advice and tell her about my problems in a way that my own mother doesn't welcome.
6. I have a renewed appreciation for people who value me. There are people on campus and off who value my writing ability, my personality, my ideas, my company. I love it!
7. I have a drawer filled with food from my aunt.
8. I can handle the snow and the cold.
9. I have a renewed appreciation for reading and all the knowledge inside of a book.
10. My love for everything is just spilling out of me and I can't hold it inside.
Life is defined be renewal.
1. My aunt gave me a package of tiny post-it notes. They now paper my wall with names of girls I need to e-mail, my online class passwords and codes, the phone number of my favorite tattoo and piercing studio, and happy smiles from Roommate.
2. My dad gave me the best Christmas gift ever in a pair of new, very nice, baby blue headphones. Roommate will never have to complain about hearing a Gwen Stefani song ever again.
3. I am more motivated to work hard in all of my classes. I've learned to value them more.
4. I truly miss my sisters and want to be with them again as soon as possible.
5. I have found a renewed appreciation for my friends who have become my family on campus. I have also found the value of older women who care about me. It is so beautiful to me that I can go to one of the women on campus and ask her for advice and tell her about my problems in a way that my own mother doesn't welcome.
6. I have a renewed appreciation for people who value me. There are people on campus and off who value my writing ability, my personality, my ideas, my company. I love it!
7. I have a drawer filled with food from my aunt.
8. I can handle the snow and the cold.
9. I have a renewed appreciation for reading and all the knowledge inside of a book.
10. My love for everything is just spilling out of me and I can't hold it inside.
Life is defined be renewal.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Realizations
Yesterday was possibly one of the messiest days of my existence.
I am not an emotional person. I feel things very vividly and deeply, however I do not communicate them outwardly. It's just the way I am. I do not like drawing attention to my feelings.
Yesterday was the first day in several years when I could honestly refer to myself as an emotional wreck. I woke up feeling the effects of every drama at home and with Best Friend, knowing that I needed to confront Unconventional about where we stand in our relationship, and having not slept at all. The first order of business was a series of phone calls and text messages with unconventional totalling about three hours of conversation wherein we sorted out everything in our friendship and decided to take a step backwards because we became too close of friends too fast and it needed some action before our friendship got messed up.
Then...I started thinking about my future.
I have wanted to be a chef for years. And for years I have felt that God wanted me to be a chef too. I was cool to watch him work things out to put me into a great culinary school...until I started this year at Bible College. All year I have been waiting in great anticipation to be finished here and moving on to what I really want to do. Then I went home over break.
My dad told me over Christmas that he thought he could get me a summer internship with a chef whom I greatly admire. Usually, I spend my summers working at a Christian girls camp in the mountains where I just get to pour myself out into middle schoolers for seven weeks. I thought about it for a few weeks. The cooking experience would be good for me, but I loved what I did at camp. After much thought and prayer, I chose to work at camp because I love my girls more than I love cooking.
Unconventional and I have debated several times as to why I want to be a chef. I always had answers and they were never good enough. Then yesterday he said, "Kite, what is your passion?"
"My passion is Christ." I told him.
"Kite," he said to me, "What could you not live without? What would you die for?"
That was when I realized--I could live without cooking. It would take most of the fun and creativity out of my life, but I could, in the very essence of fact, survive and live a mildly happy life without ever handling a stove or a pot. However, my life without my middle school girls who I can listen to and mentor--it's nothing. It's empty.
I can't believe I am saying this but I am thinking about changing my major.
Life is defined by realizations.
I am not an emotional person. I feel things very vividly and deeply, however I do not communicate them outwardly. It's just the way I am. I do not like drawing attention to my feelings.
Yesterday was the first day in several years when I could honestly refer to myself as an emotional wreck. I woke up feeling the effects of every drama at home and with Best Friend, knowing that I needed to confront Unconventional about where we stand in our relationship, and having not slept at all. The first order of business was a series of phone calls and text messages with unconventional totalling about three hours of conversation wherein we sorted out everything in our friendship and decided to take a step backwards because we became too close of friends too fast and it needed some action before our friendship got messed up.
Then...I started thinking about my future.
I have wanted to be a chef for years. And for years I have felt that God wanted me to be a chef too. I was cool to watch him work things out to put me into a great culinary school...until I started this year at Bible College. All year I have been waiting in great anticipation to be finished here and moving on to what I really want to do. Then I went home over break.
My dad told me over Christmas that he thought he could get me a summer internship with a chef whom I greatly admire. Usually, I spend my summers working at a Christian girls camp in the mountains where I just get to pour myself out into middle schoolers for seven weeks. I thought about it for a few weeks. The cooking experience would be good for me, but I loved what I did at camp. After much thought and prayer, I chose to work at camp because I love my girls more than I love cooking.
Unconventional and I have debated several times as to why I want to be a chef. I always had answers and they were never good enough. Then yesterday he said, "Kite, what is your passion?"
"My passion is Christ." I told him.
"Kite," he said to me, "What could you not live without? What would you die for?"
That was when I realized--I could live without cooking. It would take most of the fun and creativity out of my life, but I could, in the very essence of fact, survive and live a mildly happy life without ever handling a stove or a pot. However, my life without my middle school girls who I can listen to and mentor--it's nothing. It's empty.
I can't believe I am saying this but I am thinking about changing my major.
Life is defined by realizations.
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