Saturday, November 22, 2008

Fall Apart

"He was going to marry me. He promised me two weeks ago."

And everything was fine just the other day. My friend, I do not understand how a world can change so fast, but I believe that it happens to us all in one way or another.

And it is always for the best.

Life is defined when our world falls to pieces.

Sunday, November 16, 2008


Two nights ago it was far to late for me to be awake. Usually, I make a habit of being in bed by eleven thirty every night--a profound wonder for a college student. On this particular night, it was friday and I had been stolen for a night of fun and chaos by some very dear friends. As this night drew to a close, my dear Friend Boy and I wandered away from the rest of the group to find a place to be quiet together.

We found such a place under a tree across the softball field. The moon was not shining because it was so covered by clouds preparing to rain as soon as they got the chance, but there was a streetlamp about fifty feet away that allowed me to see a shape coming out of the woods to my left.

At first I thought it was a cat. But then again, it was far too large to be a cat.

It was within fifty feet of my friend and I when I saw that it was a red fox. I had seen red foxes before, but never so close.

I jabbed Friend Boy in the side. It took a moment, but he saw it. It did not see us until it was very close, no more than twenty feet away. And then it just looked at us. It seemed completely unthreatened by the boy and the girl sitting close against each other under the maple tree. We stared, it stared. None of us moved until some late night runners flashed by and the fox took off into the night.

It was a beautiful moment at the time. The soft lamplight, the cool air, the damp ground leaving dirt on my jeans, sitting close with Friend Boy and having my arm linked in his, and, just to leave me breathless, a beautiful red animal coming out of the forest and sharing itself with us. The wonder of it was still between us when we spent three hours sitting on cold stone and talking to each other the following day. We spoke of it more than once. Reimagining the perfection of the small amount of time when we had made eye contact with something wild and smiling.

We were the only ones who had that. Having spent most of our night with eight other people, there had been lots of moments, but I doubt that this one would have been nearly as beautiful with that large, noisy group of friendship.

I was glad that we had sought solitude together.

We shared wonder. Sometimes God lets us experience that just for the heck of it, to show us how cool he is and how beautiful he can make a moment.

It was a beautiful moment.

Wonder defines life.

Thursday, November 13, 2008


Ten years ago:
My best friend was Amanda
I wore Kelly's Kids jumpers with tights and a turtleneck underneath every day
My hair came past my shoulders and was usually in two french braids
I thought about sea monkeys, computer games, and kickball
I had never kissed a boy, they had cooties
Sports were no fun because I was not fast enough

Five years ago:
My best friend was Kendra
I wore black
My hair was shoulder length, dyed several different colors usually worn in a dowdy ponytail
I thought about imaginary worlds, pens and pencils, and hating everything
I had never kissed a boy. Boys were cruel and frightening.
Sports were to be avoided

My best friend is Andrew. Kendra moved to Texas and Amanda lost her personality to the dangers of private schooling
I wear American Eagle and Abercrombie and Fitch
I just cut 18 inches off my hair. It falls just below my ears at it's longest.
I think about school, God, boys, friendship, sex, music, fruit, my career, society, the economy, government, germs, being healthy, exersize, what I look like...
My best friend is a boy. I've kissed a few. I enjoyed it.
Sports are soccer, cheerleading, biking, swimming, and dance.

In talking to a much older, but very dear friend the other day we recounted many similar life experiences. I am always surprised when talking to him that we are so similar considering that he is ten years older than me. In the midst of one of his stories reguarding something he did when i was about seven years old, I was suddenly overcome with a thought that I couldn't help but proclaim aloud.

I am so young.

My life has hardly begun, yet, I look at the last ten years and consider how much I have changed. I am a different person.

Change is a funny thing. Some of us embrace it, others try to pretend that it's not real, and that it does not happen to people

I know girls who change their hair cut/style/colour every couple of weeks and women who have had that same cut/style/colour for thirty years and will probably keep it for the next thirty years. (I confess that I am the former)

My own life has changed so much and so fast that I must embrace it or go mad trying to avoid it.

I look at all I have done in the last ten years.
Pierced my own ear
Watched anime
Lost friends
Made friends
Learned to like nuts
Become a vegetarian
Discovered my identity
Learned how to kiss

And I think of what I might do in the next ten
Finish college
Pierce my own ear again
Get married (maybe a boyfriend first)
Begin my career
Eat meat again
Learn to love someone else completely
Dance with a partner
Discover more about the world

A hundred years ago rock and roll had not been invented.
Fifty years ago rock and roll was evil.
Today rock and roll is old school.

Change happens whether we're looking for it, longing for it, wanting it or not.

Life is defined by change.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008


"So last night this girl I like who I talk to online a lot came up to me and talked to me for the first time in person and I turned purple and swallowed my gum."

These were the exact words of a dear friend of mine. The dear boy is several years younger than me, has red hair, is very artistic, but sadly--is quite awkward.

I became friends with Red Haired Kid by pure accident. Several years ago I attended a church event and spent more than half an hour talking to a girl who decided that I would be perfect to entertain her little brother for the rest of the weekend. I could keep him out of her hair while she flirted with Ping Pong Player. Before long I was engaged in conversation with this awkward sibling, and my former friend had left my presence.

At first I found myself slightly irate at this treason. I had a mild case of the hots for Ping Pong Player as well and he had told me too my face that I was cute. I was sure I had a chance with him until Red Haired Kid came along.

Sure, the conversation was engaging, despite his youth I found myself enjoying the talk of art and the mutual display of sketchbooks immensely. However, I could not help my irritation at having been so betrayed.

I look back now, engaged in my own silliness. I still see Ping Pong Player sometimes despite our different choices of college. Ping Pong Player is still hott, but also--still a Player. He still thinks I'm cute, but he probably shouldn't tell me that in front of his girlfriend for the day. However, even though I have only seen Red Haired Kid once since our initial forced meeting, he has proved to be a great friend.

The irony, that a boy who literally chokes when faced with a girl, and a girl who didn't want to be distracted by such an awkward boy could turn out as such wonderful friends.

Life is defined by irony.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008


I came into my room just now to see All One Length Hair Girl printing something about the animal kingdom off from Roommate's computer. Roommate was busy straightening her hair and listing off the remaining kingdoms with a dreamy expression on her face. She was preparing for a game of cards with her newest crush. I wasn't sure who he was, but he was even more perfect than the last one. I didn’t think that was possible after the perfection of the last one. But now she was busy educating.

"There's Animalia, Insectae, Bacterium, Anti-bacterium..." she listed, and then paused to think.

"Dude," I said, "Anti-bacterium isn't a kingdom."

"Yes, it is." she said, actually setting down the flat iron in stunned surprise."

"Anti-bacterium is not a kingdom. It's hand sanitizer."

I really think that there are many moments which define a person’s life. Maybe my roomie’s ditzieness isn’t one of them but it was entertaining none the less. Or maybe it is. We may not realize the impact that these slight moments have on us.

Here I am. Kite. A college freshman seperated from her parents for the first time and trying to find herself.

I'm selfish, I think about myself a lot. But don't we all? "Who am I?" seems to be the hugest question circulating my college campus. No one really asks it aloud but we're all thinking it. And I doubt it is just the campus of my small, Christian college. I would wager that it is the hugest question circulating most college campus in the Atlantic Northeast or probably across the country. However, in all of those selfish moments when I think about myself, I've rather discovered, perhaps not who I am completely, but what makes me. Not just my God-gifted personality, that came from DNA, but what defines me, uncovers that personality and smooths off the rough edges.

Commonly said on this college campus is, "my life is defined by awkward moments". Life is awkward. If yours isn't, mine is. I have very short hair and often wear boys' clothing. This prompts many lesbian jokes from Roommate. I am not a lesbian. However, the other day Roommate (standing in the hallway in a towel) dropped such a comment in front of my RA..... an awkward moment was created.

I'm smiling now.