An Oppertunity!

My beloved cousin Danny and I are transferring to the same school next year! It's for sure, set in stone and legit now! I can't wait!

The weather has been beautiful here on the east coast. The sun has been shining and it has been 90 F for the last three days. AMAZING!!!

Going back to my transferring, however, I have been confronted with yet another decision in my life. I have been asked to apply for a position as an RA in school next year. I don't know whether or not I should do so. Part of me wants to because I want to be effective and learn and help others to learn and grow and become mature. But part of me isn't sure that I'm ready or good enough to be in an authority position. Although, I will be older than most of my girls, I've still never been in that kind of position over people so close to my own age. It's an exciting prospect though. Any input?

Life is defined by exciting decisions!

...

I have a friend who I turn to when I need to do something spontaneous. We tromp in the mud, take long drives, cuddle on her couch and read essays, compare and contrast ourselves constantly, mainly--we love to cuddle and read. We don't agree on everything, just the basics, but we love each other like sisters.

I think she is a lesbian. I am not uncomfortable with her at all but I don't know whether I should stop cuddling with her or not or if I should say anything to her potential roommate for next year.

Saturday we have a lovely day planned together. Usually our times together are simply fabulous and filled with surprises.

Single Forever

My friend is in my room now filling out an evaluation form for one of her classes. She is required to evaluate her future husband...except she has no idea who she is.

We are now making stuff up.

I find it really interesting to find out what kinds of things my friends look for in the opposite sex.

Braids Girl wants a guy who will brush her hair for hours on end.
Unconventional wants a girl who is extremely gentle and will cry in his arms when she is upset.
Roommate is looking for a guy who will give her tons of oppertunity to be submissive.
My aunt always wanted a guy who didn't want onions.
Friend Boy wants a girl who can actually tolerate him.
Almost Brother needs a girl who can keep him interested for more than ten seconds

All this makes me realize that I look for so many things in a guy. I like to be treated well and to be completely honest, lots of guys don't live up to my standards. I don't just want to be treated like a girl--I want to be treated like a princess because that's what I deserve.

Life is defined by realizing that maybe you were destined to be single forever.

(Danny--You and me are living in Colleen's attic!)

For Vivienne!

1. What time did you get up this morning?
I woke up at six but I didn't need to get up so I spent a half hour or so praying and then proceded to go back to sleep and get up at eight.



2. Diamonds or pearls?
diamonds on the average day. but i like wooden or polymer beads best.



3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
I think it was I AM LEGEND...that was more than a year ago.



5. What do you usually have for breakfast?
A hand full of Kashi cereal of some kind, an apple, fruit snacks or something



6. What is your middle name?
Michelle--like the Beatles song



7. What food do you dislike?
meat...even then, i'm down with a good steak once in a while



8. What is your favourite CD at moment?

Blink 182 or Lecrae (both self titled)


9. What kind of car do you drive?
That would be a Jeep Grand Cherokee

10. Favourite sandwich?
Homemade white bread, cucumber, spinach, tomato, roasted red pepper, salt, black pepper, kale, smoked paprika, swiss, feta, olive oil

11. What characteristic do you despise?
Apathy and disrespect for others

12. Favourite item of clothing?
My blue and green silk kimono. mmmm!!!

13. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go?
ha--Austrailia, Japan, San Fransisco, Greece, or Seattle

14. Favourite brand of clothing?
Abercrombie or American Eagle

15. Where would you retire to?
Retire? HA! Probably not. Greece.

17. Favourite sport to watch?
Football? eh...men's tennis...snowboarding.

18. Furtherest place you are sending this?
Whoever reads it. Maybe Austrailia?

19. Person you expect to send it back first?
Whoever cares to do so

20. When is your birthday?
July 18. TATTOO DAY!

21. Are you a morning person or a night person?
Either, though I generally prefer mornings

22. What is your shoe size?
US 5.5. Small feet

23. Pets?
Two cats (both stupid) and I used to have a rat called Jemima

24. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with us?
Danny has informed me via text message more than twenty times in the last week that she cannot wait for her new coat to come or to go to college up north next year so that she can show it off. She also says to inform everyone that she wants scene hair and is thinking about growing hers long again just so that she can make it "scene". Yes...if you don't read Danny's blog you're missing out, she's a character.

25. What did you want to be when you were little?
A professional hockey player, a princess, a cowboy, and a cat

26. How are you today?
I've definately been better.

27. What is your favourite candy?
I would have to say Coffee Crisp bars--even though I have to go to Canada to get them.

28. What is your favourite flower?
Yellow roses and dasies

29. What is a day on the calendar you are looking forward to?
April 2, Danny's dance thing that I'm hoping to go and see

30. What is your full name?
Kite Michelle Beese

31. What are you listening to right now?
Mark Driscoll sermon--Trial and Scripture. No lie, it's good.

32. What was the last thing you ate?
cookies after lunch

33. Do you wish on stars?
yes, sir!

34. If you were a crayon, what colour would you be?
probably blue, calming and thoughtful. mmm.

35. How is the weather right now?
windy and 41 degrees F.

36. The first person you spoke to on the phone today?
I haven't talked on the phone today. But late last night I talked with Girl Who Smells Like a Cat. And this morning I texted Youth Pastor's Wife and Girl Who Picks on Fat People With Me.

37. Favourite soft drink?
I don't drink soft drinks.

38. Favourite restaurant?
Thali of India, Diamond's, or Esperto's

39. Real hair colour?
Dark brown. It's actually been its real color for a long time.

40. What was your favourite toy as a child?
My American Girl Doll or my collection of silk scarves

41. Summer or winter?
Summer all the way. Winter is depressing. I'll leave it to my cousin.

42. Hugs or kisses?
Mmm...I like both but as per recent events I am cutting back. Hugs only girls except on special occasions and no kisses until I know he is going to marry me.

43. Chocolate or Vanilla?
usually chocolate, but sometimes I can get a good strong vanilla craving

44. Coffee or tea?
mmm....depends. Harney and Sons tea is fabulous, as is fruit herbal tea...but I do enjoy a good cup of coffee once in a while

45. Do you want your friends to email you back?
usually when I send an e-mail, I hope for a reply

47. What is under your bed?
A basket full of my dirty laundry

48. What did you do last night?
Youth group, kicked serious BUTT against the boys in quizzing, counseling, cleaned my room, bothered the girls downstairs, called Girl Who Smells Like a Cat to ask about her new tattoo she got in memory of my mum.

49. What are you afraid of?
Horses--ridiculous, right?

50. Salty or sweet?
Salty except for some times of the month

51. How many keys on your key ring?
four...but one of them is to my grandma's car which is long gone and one I don't know what it goes to...

52. How many years at your current job?
currently an unemployed student until june when I start couseling

53. Favourite day of the week?
Sundays. I get to hang out with Blonde Soccer Boy which is the best, no pressure friendship because he's chill, i'm chill, and I love his girlfriend. Church. Then Youth Pastor's house with his four awesome children, video games, movies, and real homemade food!!!

54. How many towns have you lived in?
Two

55. Do you make friends easily?
YES! Yes, I do!

Simple really.

Ugh--I seem to have lost this habit of blogging which I find frightfully unfortunate as it is something I enjoy. But, for the nagging of my dear Danny I will try to start up again.

The last few weeks have been interesting. I moved into a private room, away from Roommate who was keeping me up too late at night. I've started painting again. I helped my cousin with an industrial piercing. I skipped girls movie night to make cards. And I drew a picture of a sheep farm. But mainly I have spent time thinking and examining my life.

Some things that I have learned recently:

-Being comfortable turns to apathy.
-Credibility comes through my life, not by my performances
-Am I worthy of immitation?
-God is going to put people in my path who I must provide for. My faith alone does them no good.
-God has not given us the truth to make us comfortable. The truth should not make me comfortable.
-Hope will not leave me disappointed.
-Total honesty with myself and the rest of the world is difficult but achieving it eliminates fear of others.
-I must forget about my failures...and my successes.
-Don't get cocky. I cannot make progress if I am content where I am.

Life is defined by learning simple, important truth.

Hair

All One Length Hair Girl came to me last night.

"Kite," she said, "Will you cut my hair?"

Now, you must understand, I am not trained in the art of hair cutting. I do keep my own extra short locks under control and have been known for doing little things such as trimming damaged ends, and fixing botched up bangs. I figured that she wanted a trim.

When I came to find her later, she informed me that she wanted it about shoulder length. This was a difference of about four inches. AND she also wanted it in some kind of style.

I think my jaw about hit the floor. This girl has been telling us how terrible layered hair is for most of the year (because when you braid it, ends stick out) and now she wants it layered. I was scared to death. I always get jitters even if I am just trimming someone's ends. I know that if I screw it up, it's my fault and my poor victim will tell all of their friends about how it is my fault that their hair cut sucks. But this girl wanted massive change and it about gave me a heart attack.

It made me think a little more about how society really does define people by their hair. I might say to my Roommate, "You know that guy? The one with the short, red hair?" and she would probably know that I was talking about Unconventional. Hair is one of the things we notice the most about people. When you put a group of girls together, an hour WILL NOT PASS without them talking about their hair, someone else's hair, guys' hair, Kiera Knightly's hair, etc. Our society is a little bit obsessed with hair.

I cut eighteen inches off my hair last June and now sport a funky short-cut which I love. It has been amazing to see how much it has affected people's perception of me. Whether it's making my Best Friend feel as though I look like a lesbian, or making Japanese Guy shower me with compliments because it is so "fresh" (<3). Some people like it, others don't. It's just how life is.

Anydots, I managed to give All One Length Hair Girl a pretty sweet bob cut which made her natural curls a lot more vivacious. I was pretty proud of myself. It looks very nice.

Life, unfortunately, is too often defined by hair.

Tough Choices

My dorm has strict rules about wearing your pajamas in the lounge. There are no pajamas permitted in the lounge or the stairwells until after curfew. This is basically a precaution so that we do not have girls running around in slutty pjs while there are boys in the dorm. I can understand that.

My mistake:

I changed into my pajamas early.
I made myself rice.
I did not eat all of my rice.
The refrigerator is on bottom floor.
I am on top floor.
I want to go to bed.

My dilemma: In order to put the rice in the refrigerator I would have to change into actual clothing to run it downstairs.

My choice: I am waiting until midnight when I will be allowed in the stairs with my pajamas so that I can put away my rice and go to bed.

Life is defined by frustrating, difficult choices.

God's Provision

Why is it, that when you think you simply cannot handle one more thing in life--you get that one more thing.

That seems to happen to me quite a bit.

Since my mum's death and my return to school I've taken comfort in being constantly wrapped in the arms of friends. It really has been so wonderful to see how God has provided for me. One friend in particular I was very close with. We made a habit of talking whenever we had the chance and being very open with each other.

Two days ago, this friend told me that they did not want this pressure of being my emotional stronghold and that we should not talk anymore.

Surprisingly, this has not crushed my spirit. This friend meant the world to me but I do not need them to live and be happy.

I recieved a package yesterday from my friend Sula. Inside was a pair of brightly colored socks, watercolor pencils, paints, paper, new brushes, and a package of skittles. For the first time in two perhaps almost three years, I painted.

One of the things which I loved most about my mum was that she would always read to me as a child. We would spend hours together with her making stories come to life. Of course, after I learned to read well enough she did not do this for me anymore, but I never lost my love of being read to and I believe that these memories instilled a love of reading out loud inside of me. I read The Little Prince and Peter Pan and sometimes my textbooks out loud to myself constantly now. One day my dear friend and I went to the book store and I read to him until he fell asleep on my shoulder.

Last night my Beautiful Friend came into my room. "Kite," she said, "Can I read you The Ugly Duckling?"

Life is defined by being provided for in the smallest ways at the hardest times.

Moving on

I am back at school after a week and a half of chaos.

My mother passed away last sunday after five years of fighting disease, infection, and medications. Her actual cause of death was internal bleeding and kidney failure caused by the hundreds of medications she has been on over the last years (yeah--I don't even take tylenol anymore) but someting else would have killed her sooner or later. It's true. I am not an emotional person but I did cry. I cried several times over the last week. I think it has been good for me. I miss my mum. She was a Pittsburgh Steelers football fan and it makes me sad that she had to go only a week before they got to play in the superbowl. At the funeral I met her Ex-Boyfriend. She stole his monopoly board in highschool and we still have it. That monopoly board is so old and beat up and she always tells us about how she stole it from Ex-Boyfriend. When I finally got to meet him, all I wanted to do was tell her that I saw him and that he had a beard that covered more than half of his face and I thought about offering him his monopoly board back. It depressed me slightly. Because I couldn't tell her all of that. I couldn't tell her anything.

I was never super close with my mum but I did love her. I would save little things to tell her that I knew would make her laugh. She suffered a lot the last five years and I know that now she is with God and she is loving it. She's not suffering anymore. She's not struggling anymore. She is so much better off and completely renewed and basking in the glory of Christ.


But I still miss her.

It is still hard to think that she is not here.

I still want to tell her about the monopoly board.

I still want her to be able to see me get married and talk to me about important things.

I still wish that I had gotten the chance to not just be her daughter, but to be her friend as well.

I wish that she had gotten the chance to watch the Pittsburgh Steelers win the superbowl.



Life is defined by moving on.

Taking leave

Right now I am at the hospital waiting for my mum to die. Her kidneys are failing and she might have a week or so to live. I do not know when I will post again, but I promise I will be back. God is in control. He knows what he's doing with my life and with my mum. Thank you all for reading.

-Kite

24 hours

Sometimes things just fall into place after a good night's sleep. Sometimes, you realize things that were right in front of your face. Sometimes you forget things you even have drawn on your skin. Sometimes you could swear that you couldn't handle one more freakin thing and then you get one more and you find that you actually can handle it.

Life is defined by lessons you learn and by God's amazing grace.

Water Problems

The water at school makes my skin painfully dry. Not matter how much sticky, unscented lotion I slather all over my body, my skin still continues to crack. No matter how much chapstick I smear on my lips, they are still freakin bleeding again! I don't know about anyone else, but I'm finding this highly unattractive, not that I am trying to attract anyone because, frankly, I am not. I don't even wear make-up anymore. If I really wanted to attract someone, I don't doubt that I could--but I don't--so in the end--my skin is still dry, my face is flaking of in pieces, and my lips are bleeding and I find it disgusting.

Life is definately being defined here, although I'm really not sure how.

Renewed.

Ten Marvelous Things Over My Not So Marvelous Holiday Break

1. My aunt gave me a package of tiny post-it notes. They now paper my wall with names of girls I need to e-mail, my online class passwords and codes, the phone number of my favorite tattoo and piercing studio, and happy smiles from Roommate.

2. My dad gave me the best Christmas gift ever in a pair of new, very nice, baby blue headphones. Roommate will never have to complain about hearing a Gwen Stefani song ever again.

3. I am more motivated to work hard in all of my classes. I've learned to value them more.

4. I truly miss my sisters and want to be with them again as soon as possible.

5. I have found a renewed appreciation for my friends who have become my family on campus. I have also found the value of older women who care about me. It is so beautiful to me that I can go to one of the women on campus and ask her for advice and tell her about my problems in a way that my own mother doesn't welcome.

6. I have a renewed appreciation for people who value me. There are people on campus and off who value my writing ability, my personality, my ideas, my company. I love it!

7. I have a drawer filled with food from my aunt.

8. I can handle the snow and the cold.

9. I have a renewed appreciation for reading and all the knowledge inside of a book.

10. My love for everything is just spilling out of me and I can't hold it inside.


Life is defined be renewal.

Realizations

Yesterday was possibly one of the messiest days of my existence.

I am not an emotional person. I feel things very vividly and deeply, however I do not communicate them outwardly. It's just the way I am. I do not like drawing attention to my feelings.

Yesterday was the first day in several years when I could honestly refer to myself as an emotional wreck. I woke up feeling the effects of every drama at home and with Best Friend, knowing that I needed to confront Unconventional about where we stand in our relationship, and having not slept at all. The first order of business was a series of phone calls and text messages with unconventional totalling about three hours of conversation wherein we sorted out everything in our friendship and decided to take a step backwards because we became too close of friends too fast and it needed some action before our friendship got messed up.

Then...I started thinking about my future.

I have wanted to be a chef for years. And for years I have felt that God wanted me to be a chef too. I was cool to watch him work things out to put me into a great culinary school...until I started this year at Bible College. All year I have been waiting in great anticipation to be finished here and moving on to what I really want to do. Then I went home over break.

My dad told me over Christmas that he thought he could get me a summer internship with a chef whom I greatly admire. Usually, I spend my summers working at a Christian girls camp in the mountains where I just get to pour myself out into middle schoolers for seven weeks. I thought about it for a few weeks. The cooking experience would be good for me, but I loved what I did at camp. After much thought and prayer, I chose to work at camp because I love my girls more than I love cooking.

Unconventional and I have debated several times as to why I want to be a chef. I always had answers and they were never good enough. Then yesterday he said, "Kite, what is your passion?"
"My passion is Christ." I told him.
"Kite," he said to me, "What could you not live without? What would you die for?"
That was when I realized--I could live without cooking. It would take most of the fun and creativity out of my life, but I could, in the very essence of fact, survive and live a mildly happy life without ever handling a stove or a pot. However, my life without my middle school girls who I can listen to and mentor--it's nothing. It's empty.

I can't believe I am saying this but I am thinking about changing my major.

Life is defined by realizations.

Learning

I've talked about forgiveness before. But there are a few things I've come to realize in the last few weeks.

First off, I believe that forgiveness is one of the basics of true Christian living. It is not merely suggested by God, it is COMMANDED! Not just once, but multiple times. It is demonstrated to us so well by God's own forgiveness toward such fiercely depraved humanity.

Forgiveness is also difficult.

I have officially been pissed off with Best Friend a grand total of three times in our entire friendship. I don't think that those stats are too bad. The last of these times occurred on a Sunday night over break. I was at church enjoying to company of old friends and familiar faces before returning to my home and although I was laughing and enjoying myself, I couldn't help but realize that Best Friend had completely ignored me all evening. I asked him what was wrong and he told me--nothing. I sent him a text message after I left to ask him again--what is wrong?

His reply was something I wish he had told me very much in person or at least over the phone. Text messaging is no way to handle problems.

He told me, in short, that he hated my pierced ear, was not a fan of the tattoo, and thought my short hair made me look like a lesbian. This hurt particularly coming from him. I've always valued his opinions so much as my best friend. We strive to be honest with each other, but that was an unnecessary level of honesty presented in an inappropriate method. He had no Biblical principles or reasons to confront me about this. It was merely a matter of me violating his personal preferences. He told me last year when I cut my hair that he didn't like it. I do not believe that my manner of presentation should be governed by him. I told him to confront me in love when he found something actually wrong in my life.

I cried to Unconventional and avoided sleep for the remainder of the night.

Anger is another issue. Anger is natural but also very harmful. Anger leads to bitterness which takes over, haunts you, and if it is not dealt with, controls you. Eventually, it harms both you and those around you. I was very close to becoming angry with Best Friend for hurting me. I took three days and did not talk to him or to anyone about him but I knew sometime that we would have to see each other and talk.

That time came with a phone call several nights later. I met Best Friend for dinner. (Actually, I didn't eat anything. I had accidentally eaten something with chicken in it the day before and it had upset my stomach.) He appologized deeply, gave me my Christmas present, and I forgave him.

What does this mean, though? I do not hold anything against him. I still love him unconditionally. But things are not the same. He hurt me and I do not believe that the level of friendship which we had before would be wise.

Is this wrong? Restoration is often a part of forgiveness. Did I truly forgive him if we do not return to being best friends? I believe the answer to this question is yes. He has been restored to my love, my good graces, my respect. I would never bring the subject up against him. But I do not think that it would be wise to act as though he never hurt me. Perhaps you think I am being too sensitive. Perhaps I am. All in all, I am learning.

Life cannot be defined because one never stops learning.

Meant for more

My holiday break was an existance for me.

I left campus saddened because several of my dearest friends were graduating and none of us knew when we would meet again. However, I was hopeful for the weeks at home when I would participate in family life again and possibly see my friends from high school and enjoy some time with Best Friend. I confess, I was a little glad to see Roommate leave. Her dramatic quirks had begun to get the better of me and leave me with a slightly un-Christian taste in my mouth.

My home world is different to say the least.

My time at school is spent with friends, in classes, on the internet, thinking up and conjuring harmless trouble to cause, and (sometimes) studying.
My time at home was spent in full time care of my mum, loving on my sisters who I have grown to value so much more since I do not have them every day, and cleaning every surface of my house.

I learned a lot over my break. I did not get a chance for the expected time with friends whom I had so longed to see. I rarely left my home except to take a sibling somewhere or pick them up. I had no internet. I felt as though my days were made bearable simply by the lovely phone calls and text messages from Unconventional Boy which I so loved to recieve.

One of the things which hit me hardest over my stay at home with my family was the observation of my twelve year old sister. Little Sister is a wonderful girl. She has always been happy and excited, passionate and whimsical. Everyone in her school adores her even the upper classmen and Best Friend has confessed numerous times that she reminds him of me. Both of my sisters are beautiful. But Little Sister doesn't cover it all up with make-up and stylish clothes. She shines with her God-given self. It is truly a lovely thing.

While staying at home, I am always very affectionate with my family. I want them to know that I love them. I want to show them that in any way that I possibly can. Little Sister and I cuddled together on the couch every night to watch Hannah Montana together and I loved it.

But looking at her, how she did her hair, how many times she wore her Chuck Taylors, her choice of music, even the words she used, I couldn't help but see in her that she wants to be like me.

It was a startling and somewhat frightening realization. To have someone so young and so vulnerable looking at the things you do and wanting to do them too simply because they want to be like you...it's a wonderful feeling of importance but such great responsibility. It made me realize so many things in my life that I needed to get out!

Thus, I spent much of my break striving to be the person God means for me to be. Striving for patience, avoiding anger, curbing my sharp tongue because any word I used would be sure to come straight out of Little Sister's mouth in the next sentence, spending time daily prayer and Bible study, eating right, and loving myself for who I am and how I was created.

Life is defined by the things which make you realize that you were meant for more.