Sunday, February 1, 2009

Moving on

I am back at school after a week and a half of chaos.

My mother passed away last sunday after five years of fighting disease, infection, and medications. Her actual cause of death was internal bleeding and kidney failure caused by the hundreds of medications she has been on over the last years (yeah--I don't even take tylenol anymore) but someting else would have killed her sooner or later. It's true. I am not an emotional person but I did cry. I cried several times over the last week. I think it has been good for me. I miss my mum. She was a Pittsburgh Steelers football fan and it makes me sad that she had to go only a week before they got to play in the superbowl. At the funeral I met her Ex-Boyfriend. She stole his monopoly board in highschool and we still have it. That monopoly board is so old and beat up and she always tells us about how she stole it from Ex-Boyfriend. When I finally got to meet him, all I wanted to do was tell her that I saw him and that he had a beard that covered more than half of his face and I thought about offering him his monopoly board back. It depressed me slightly. Because I couldn't tell her all of that. I couldn't tell her anything.

I was never super close with my mum but I did love her. I would save little things to tell her that I knew would make her laugh. She suffered a lot the last five years and I know that now she is with God and she is loving it. She's not suffering anymore. She's not struggling anymore. She is so much better off and completely renewed and basking in the glory of Christ.

But I still miss her.

It is still hard to think that she is not here.

I still want to tell her about the monopoly board.

I still want her to be able to see me get married and talk to me about important things.

I still wish that I had gotten the chance to not just be her daughter, but to be her friend as well.

I wish that she had gotten the chance to watch the Pittsburgh Steelers win the superbowl.

Life is defined by moving on.


  1. I'm saddened to hear about your loss.
    Hearing you speak about your mum has made me think about my relationship with my mum.
    I'll treasure every moment I have with her from now on.
    You have a lot of courage. I hope that you and your family are doing ok.

  2. hey you, just wanted to offer you my condolences, you seem to be handling this really well. big big hug! xx

  3. I'm not sure if you are, or ever will tire of people feeling for you.
    Please know that I am, and I (like so many other people around you) know what it's like to lose someone who is very close to you. While each experience is not the same, know that we're out there, with you.
    Stay as strong as you are.