Thursday, January 22, 2009

Taking leave

Right now I am at the hospital waiting for my mum to die. Her kidneys are failing and she might have a week or so to live. I do not know when I will post again, but I promise I will be back. God is in control. He knows what he's doing with my life and with my mum. Thank you all for reading.


Tuesday, January 20, 2009

24 hours

Sometimes things just fall into place after a good night's sleep. Sometimes, you realize things that were right in front of your face. Sometimes you forget things you even have drawn on your skin. Sometimes you could swear that you couldn't handle one more freakin thing and then you get one more and you find that you actually can handle it.

Life is defined by lessons you learn and by God's amazing grace.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Water Problems

The water at school makes my skin painfully dry. Not matter how much sticky, unscented lotion I slather all over my body, my skin still continues to crack. No matter how much chapstick I smear on my lips, they are still freakin bleeding again! I don't know about anyone else, but I'm finding this highly unattractive, not that I am trying to attract anyone because, frankly, I am not. I don't even wear make-up anymore. If I really wanted to attract someone, I don't doubt that I could--but I don't--so in the end--my skin is still dry, my face is flaking of in pieces, and my lips are bleeding and I find it disgusting.

Life is definately being defined here, although I'm really not sure how.

Thursday, January 15, 2009


Ten Marvelous Things Over My Not So Marvelous Holiday Break

1. My aunt gave me a package of tiny post-it notes. They now paper my wall with names of girls I need to e-mail, my online class passwords and codes, the phone number of my favorite tattoo and piercing studio, and happy smiles from Roommate.

2. My dad gave me the best Christmas gift ever in a pair of new, very nice, baby blue headphones. Roommate will never have to complain about hearing a Gwen Stefani song ever again.

3. I am more motivated to work hard in all of my classes. I've learned to value them more.

4. I truly miss my sisters and want to be with them again as soon as possible.

5. I have found a renewed appreciation for my friends who have become my family on campus. I have also found the value of older women who care about me. It is so beautiful to me that I can go to one of the women on campus and ask her for advice and tell her about my problems in a way that my own mother doesn't welcome.

6. I have a renewed appreciation for people who value me. There are people on campus and off who value my writing ability, my personality, my ideas, my company. I love it!

7. I have a drawer filled with food from my aunt.

8. I can handle the snow and the cold.

9. I have a renewed appreciation for reading and all the knowledge inside of a book.

10. My love for everything is just spilling out of me and I can't hold it inside.

Life is defined be renewal.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009


Yesterday was possibly one of the messiest days of my existence.

I am not an emotional person. I feel things very vividly and deeply, however I do not communicate them outwardly. It's just the way I am. I do not like drawing attention to my feelings.

Yesterday was the first day in several years when I could honestly refer to myself as an emotional wreck. I woke up feeling the effects of every drama at home and with Best Friend, knowing that I needed to confront Unconventional about where we stand in our relationship, and having not slept at all. The first order of business was a series of phone calls and text messages with unconventional totalling about three hours of conversation wherein we sorted out everything in our friendship and decided to take a step backwards because we became too close of friends too fast and it needed some action before our friendship got messed up.

Then...I started thinking about my future.

I have wanted to be a chef for years. And for years I have felt that God wanted me to be a chef too. I was cool to watch him work things out to put me into a great culinary school...until I started this year at Bible College. All year I have been waiting in great anticipation to be finished here and moving on to what I really want to do. Then I went home over break.

My dad told me over Christmas that he thought he could get me a summer internship with a chef whom I greatly admire. Usually, I spend my summers working at a Christian girls camp in the mountains where I just get to pour myself out into middle schoolers for seven weeks. I thought about it for a few weeks. The cooking experience would be good for me, but I loved what I did at camp. After much thought and prayer, I chose to work at camp because I love my girls more than I love cooking.

Unconventional and I have debated several times as to why I want to be a chef. I always had answers and they were never good enough. Then yesterday he said, "Kite, what is your passion?"
"My passion is Christ." I told him.
"Kite," he said to me, "What could you not live without? What would you die for?"
That was when I realized--I could live without cooking. It would take most of the fun and creativity out of my life, but I could, in the very essence of fact, survive and live a mildly happy life without ever handling a stove or a pot. However, my life without my middle school girls who I can listen to and mentor--it's nothing. It's empty.

I can't believe I am saying this but I am thinking about changing my major.

Life is defined by realizations.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009


I've talked about forgiveness before. But there are a few things I've come to realize in the last few weeks.

First off, I believe that forgiveness is one of the basics of true Christian living. It is not merely suggested by God, it is COMMANDED! Not just once, but multiple times. It is demonstrated to us so well by God's own forgiveness toward such fiercely depraved humanity.

Forgiveness is also difficult.

I have officially been pissed off with Best Friend a grand total of three times in our entire friendship. I don't think that those stats are too bad. The last of these times occurred on a Sunday night over break. I was at church enjoying to company of old friends and familiar faces before returning to my home and although I was laughing and enjoying myself, I couldn't help but realize that Best Friend had completely ignored me all evening. I asked him what was wrong and he told me--nothing. I sent him a text message after I left to ask him again--what is wrong?

His reply was something I wish he had told me very much in person or at least over the phone. Text messaging is no way to handle problems.

He told me, in short, that he hated my pierced ear, was not a fan of the tattoo, and thought my short hair made me look like a lesbian. This hurt particularly coming from him. I've always valued his opinions so much as my best friend. We strive to be honest with each other, but that was an unnecessary level of honesty presented in an inappropriate method. He had no Biblical principles or reasons to confront me about this. It was merely a matter of me violating his personal preferences. He told me last year when I cut my hair that he didn't like it. I do not believe that my manner of presentation should be governed by him. I told him to confront me in love when he found something actually wrong in my life.

I cried to Unconventional and avoided sleep for the remainder of the night.

Anger is another issue. Anger is natural but also very harmful. Anger leads to bitterness which takes over, haunts you, and if it is not dealt with, controls you. Eventually, it harms both you and those around you. I was very close to becoming angry with Best Friend for hurting me. I took three days and did not talk to him or to anyone about him but I knew sometime that we would have to see each other and talk.

That time came with a phone call several nights later. I met Best Friend for dinner. (Actually, I didn't eat anything. I had accidentally eaten something with chicken in it the day before and it had upset my stomach.) He appologized deeply, gave me my Christmas present, and I forgave him.

What does this mean, though? I do not hold anything against him. I still love him unconditionally. But things are not the same. He hurt me and I do not believe that the level of friendship which we had before would be wise.

Is this wrong? Restoration is often a part of forgiveness. Did I truly forgive him if we do not return to being best friends? I believe the answer to this question is yes. He has been restored to my love, my good graces, my respect. I would never bring the subject up against him. But I do not think that it would be wise to act as though he never hurt me. Perhaps you think I am being too sensitive. Perhaps I am. All in all, I am learning.

Life cannot be defined because one never stops learning.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Meant for more

My holiday break was an existance for me.

I left campus saddened because several of my dearest friends were graduating and none of us knew when we would meet again. However, I was hopeful for the weeks at home when I would participate in family life again and possibly see my friends from high school and enjoy some time with Best Friend. I confess, I was a little glad to see Roommate leave. Her dramatic quirks had begun to get the better of me and leave me with a slightly un-Christian taste in my mouth.

My home world is different to say the least.

My time at school is spent with friends, in classes, on the internet, thinking up and conjuring harmless trouble to cause, and (sometimes) studying.
My time at home was spent in full time care of my mum, loving on my sisters who I have grown to value so much more since I do not have them every day, and cleaning every surface of my house.

I learned a lot over my break. I did not get a chance for the expected time with friends whom I had so longed to see. I rarely left my home except to take a sibling somewhere or pick them up. I had no internet. I felt as though my days were made bearable simply by the lovely phone calls and text messages from Unconventional Boy which I so loved to recieve.

One of the things which hit me hardest over my stay at home with my family was the observation of my twelve year old sister. Little Sister is a wonderful girl. She has always been happy and excited, passionate and whimsical. Everyone in her school adores her even the upper classmen and Best Friend has confessed numerous times that she reminds him of me. Both of my sisters are beautiful. But Little Sister doesn't cover it all up with make-up and stylish clothes. She shines with her God-given self. It is truly a lovely thing.

While staying at home, I am always very affectionate with my family. I want them to know that I love them. I want to show them that in any way that I possibly can. Little Sister and I cuddled together on the couch every night to watch Hannah Montana together and I loved it.

But looking at her, how she did her hair, how many times she wore her Chuck Taylors, her choice of music, even the words she used, I couldn't help but see in her that she wants to be like me.

It was a startling and somewhat frightening realization. To have someone so young and so vulnerable looking at the things you do and wanting to do them too simply because they want to be like's a wonderful feeling of importance but such great responsibility. It made me realize so many things in my life that I needed to get out!

Thus, I spent much of my break striving to be the person God means for me to be. Striving for patience, avoiding anger, curbing my sharp tongue because any word I used would be sure to come straight out of Little Sister's mouth in the next sentence, spending time daily prayer and Bible study, eating right, and loving myself for who I am and how I was created.

Life is defined by the things which make you realize that you were meant for more.